heard	Perfect Circle			Mer De Noms
			Animal Logic			Animal Logic
			The Cardigans			Erase Rewind
			Mike Keneally			Nonkertompf
			Fates Warning			No Exit

 

Tura Satana as Varla! back to the loch with you, Nessie! (9-15)   One of the things Jacksonville has that I really like, and have always really liked is a newspaper called Folio Weekly. It's an independent entertainment/opinion magazine and it's been a part of my free time reading since I was in high school. Last year when I moved back here I have done my best to try and pick it back up as a reading habit. It lists clubs, reviews movies and local theater, and there are feature articles about local interest stories and stuff, but the most fun parts of it are usually the guilty pleasure sections in the back -- the personal ads.   There's something about reading personal ads and imagining what's on the other side of them that has always made me smile and giggle. I've never placed one, or responded to one -- but I've always read them out of some odd sense of.. I don't know, curiosity or something. I guess that doesn't really explain it well enough... See, there were long periods of time in my life where I was alone. Not just single, but horribly lonely and in that dumpy, depressive, "is there anyone out there for me at all?" type of stage, and in a way, seeing the strange mix of creativity, desperation, and hope that goes into searching for a soulmate in the same section of the newspaper where someone else is looking for a buyer for their '73 Pinto -- it was a way to remind myself that... you know, life can get to that place, and that I wasn't the only one who felt like that. The catch is, these things happened when I was younger -- too young to be responding or posting a personals ad. It's not like I wasn't sad or hurt in those days, but I was, what.. 17? It's not like the attractive, romantic, affectionate, easy going, financially secure white female who is seeking someone to share movies, football, romantic dinners would be really thrilled to see Dobie freaking Gillis roll up in his dad's car and say.. "I hardly ever do things like this..." I think I always read the personals to see how other lonely people seemed to handle it and work through it.   and... they're funny.   I mean, lets face it, personals are funny. You watch Ricki Lake (I do, and I can admit it), a billion people (minus me and Kim) watched Survivor, and (hopefully) some of you are reading this journal just for that quick little thrill of peeking your little eyes into someone else's world and living and feeling vicariously through them. It's harmless, and it's fun, and no one gets hurt...   But recently as I was reading through an issue of Folio, I noticed something very new and different, and maybe this has been around for a while and I just never noticed it, or something.. but frankly it scared the hell out of me.   They're called "I Saw You" ads... and they are, at least in my mind -- maybe just a little over the line.   Here's a real, honest-to-god "I Saw You" ad from the latest issue of Folio Weekly:   8/22 at 1 PM on JTB You were pulling out of an apartment complex on Hodges Boulevard, followed me onto J. Turner Butler Boulevard as we traveled east to Southside blvd. You were in a white car with dark tinted windows, I in a red SUV. You smiled and waved as you exited. Why don't we meet?   um.. hey, why don't we meet at the station and you can sign the restraining order?     You know, there's a world of difference between   Barbie Seeks Original Ken Blond Barbie is an original issue, easy going divorced mom seeks intelligent, honest, fun-loving, romantic, healthy, stable single or divorced white male for conversation, laughter, and friendship...   and   Papa John's Driver You delivered pizza to my house in Riverside. You: Driving a red Toyota. Me: Green eyes, brown hair. The pizza wasn't the only thing that made my mouth water...   Whoa Whoa Whoa there Mrs. Robinson!   Is this legal? What we're talking about here is classified ads giving stalkers the chance to say: "Hello, how are you, I've been following you down the interstate for 20 minutes and I am convinced that we should spend the rest of our lives together!?!"   Here's one that says "I was on an escalator, you were on the phone.. Did we make serious eye contact?" and there's another one here that says "At Home Depot, I was buying paint, you were buying a ceiling fan, our eyes met several times, was it because you thought you knew me or because you WANTED to know me?" Perhaps, just perhaps, he was thinking -- "Is that line over there moving faster than this one?.. ah well, maybe it is - but if I switched lines then I'd have to stand next to that skank holding the bucket of paint..."   Here's one that gives us all hope for true love:   Me: In Publix Supermarket arguing with boyfriend. You: Winked at me and mouthed the words, " You're a hottie!" My girlfriend that was with us knew your name from high school. I'm in love! I dumped him! Let's hook up!   I mean, just how far can this sort of thing go?   I was picking up trash on the side of the road the other side of the day as part of my community service when I noticed you get out of your car and check the mailbox for 14239 Oak Hill Drive. Ohh yeah I think we would be GREAT together, you know what I mean?   - or -   Me: 14 year old looking for true love and respect. You: Second Backstreet Boy from the left on poster hanging on display at "Claire's" - The look in your eyes told me that you would be the one to take me away from my crummy parents and buy me a pony.   - or -   Thursday at 3:30, I was cleaning one of my droids when a hologram of you suddenly started asking for someone called "Obi Wan Kenobi" to help you, (for a moment I wondered if you meant Ben Kenobi, that crazy hermit who lives out past the dune sea), but most of all I couldn't help but notice the way you were looking at me with those beautiful eyes of yours and your "sometimes it's British, sometimes you're from Ohio" accent. Perhaps we could become as close as brother and sister, maybe even more...?   - or -   Me: Father of girl who you keep calling after school. You: About to get your ass kicked.   - or -   Me: Former emergency room nurse who is very into her privacy and personal integrity, recently divorced from rich yet superficial husband. You: Famous Men's Magazine that might pay me a few thousand dollars if I let you take pictures of me while I get naked and crawl around on some rocks.   You could go on for hours making up all sorts of crazy scenarios, but I gotta tell you, nothing is more horrifying than real life - check out the actual text from the ad on page 78.   Wal Mart Met you at Wal-Mart. I thought I had met an angel. You said you might call. I'll be waiting until the day I die. PC#2961 (10/3)       I'm never going out of the house again.