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She Thinks
My Sunglasses are Funny
Beau doh doh
dah...
4-13
- See, I got this
woman. Great curves, serious legs. She smiles sunshine,
blushes like a baby, and whenever she laughs you feel
like you've just sucked a dot of honey off of your
fingertips. It's hard not to act too lucky, hard to not
front a little when she's at my side.
-
- She's the kind of
girl that makes makes you want to be a good man. Makes
you want to prove your worth. Having a woman like this in
my life sometimes makes me wonder if I have helped enough
old ladies across the street in my lifetime. You know, if
I've done enough good things to deserve the love of
someone like this?
-
- It scares
the hell out of me sometimes when I realize that I've
let a lot of old ladies take their own chances at the
crosswalk.
-
- There's only one
problem...
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She thinks
my sunglasses are funny.
-
- I like dark
sunglasses. Ones with the brown lenses that people can't
see through. But even after all of these years, I still
haven't figured out which style of frames looks the best
on me -- and that's where the problem comes in. For
example, I don't think that I look that good in those
John Lennon specs, and I've never really been able to
pull off any sense of coolness when I put on Wayfarers or
pimp glasses. Lord knows I've tried to wear these things
before, but they always looks ridiculous on
me.
-
- Fortunately, I
usually lose my sunglasses a few months after buying
them, so even when I buy a pair that makes me look like a
dork, it's only embarrassing for a little
while.
-
- Every year when
the sun starts to come out for real, I get the urge to
buy a new pair of shades. Not just to block out the
light, but mainly because I think that they
look
cool. It's
kinda silly, I know -- but there's just something about
hiding your eyes that gives off a vibe of control. It's
like you know what you've got, know where you're going.
It doesn't necessarily mean that I actually
know what I've got or where I'm going -- but sometimes
putting out that vibe just feels good.
-
- Besides, people
don't have as much power to judge you when you've got the
shades down. I mean, they do it anyway -- that's just the
way of the world, but when you're glassed up dark their
cuts don't get through quite as well. It's like you're
holding all the power. I like that.
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- But she doesn't
see all of these subtexts. She just looks at the way the
sunglasses make me look when they are one my
face.
-
- She says I always
buy the same ones. Every year I complain that I can't
find my old shades, and then every year when I go out and
buy a new pair, she looks at me, and I can tell that
she's kinda smirking.
-
- I think she knows
that I like shades because I think they make me look
cool. I think she laughs at me because she knows that I'm
trying to put on some sort of attitude that isn't really
who I am. And there isn't much that I can say when she
catches me like that... because she's usually
right.
-
- See, somewhere
deep inside, I still want to look like a
rock
star.
And there's nothing really wrong with that except it's a
very difficult look to pull off when you're standing in
line at the grocery store with a package of diapers in
your hand.
-
- But what am I
supposed to do? I'm too low-rent and absent-minded to be
buying name-brand sunglasses, so I just have to try my
best to find something that will work until the day that
I put them down somewhere and forget to pick them back
up. So every year when I get that jones to buy some
rock
star
shades, I find myself standing in front of that
plastic
turntable sunglass rack thingee
that they have in the store, trying on anything that
might look good on me.
-
- The real problem
with buying cheapo shades is that you can only choose
from the stuff they have in the store. And I'm no expert,
but I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that some of
these things have probably been hanging there for a
couple of decades.
-
- There's no one to
help you, no one to suggest a direction for you to go
to....
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- I mean, I'm
a guy -- I don't know this stuff
-
- Imagine for a
second that someone gives a chimpanzee a bucket of paint
and a canvas to work on. Sure the chimp's got some sort
of artistic ideal in mind when he starts slinging paint
around, but when everybody else looks at it, all they see
is monkey mess.
-
- That's
what it's like when I try to buy fashion accessories
for myself.
-
- To start with,
sunglasses are displayed on a rack, not on
someone's head. Because of this, I tend to gravitate
towards sunglasses with all the fancy angles and edges.
As a general rule, I will try on anything that I could
never see my grandmother wearing. But when you get right
down to it, What do I know from sunglasses? I just stand
there like a schmuck with whatever pair happened to be
closest to my hand, staring into that tiny mirror they've
got hanging there, holding the little tag up so I can see
how they look on my nose.
-
- Believe me
when I say this, You simply cannot
get
your mack on while you're holding a tag over your
nose...
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- So it's not like I
ever really get to see how I'm going to look in my shades
until it's too late to do anything about it.
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- The best I can do
in this situation is stick with my own instincts. The
sunglasses that I think make me look like a complete
doofus I put back. The ones that sort of make me look
like a rock
star
I consider buying. I don't know what shape of frame looks
good one me, I just know the ones I don't
like.
-
- But every time she
sees me with my new shades on, she does that thing where
she's smiling and biting her tongue at the same time, and
I suddenly realize that I've gone and done it
again....
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She
thinks my sunglasses are funny.
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